Monday, October 15, 2012

Part of my journey- please read!!!

I just worked 18.5 hours. I'm so tired and I am here awake because I have to get this off of my mind!
I love the people close to me, I love my family, friends, and even for the most part my community.
BUT........ I am sooooooo tired of everyone thinking I am either in a relationship with someone I defiantly am not, or that I should be in one!
I love everyone but really please stop! It's annoying!

I am far from incapable of taking care of myself and my kids. I have done it for years! Just because I am hopeful about love doesn't mean I am weak or a train wreak, or going out there to find it at the bar every night! Cause none of that is true about me.

I'm tired of people telling me to settle for a nice guy! I tried that it didn't work you want to know why? Because if my heart isn't fully in it... I don't want it! It's not fair to do to another person! I don't want to be that girl who clings from guy to guy, and has to have someone with her non stop! I am far too independent for that! I really believe I have found the person who is my true love, and I don't get to be with that person, I may never be with that person, so I would rather just be alone! And I may never have that kind of love for another person again, and I have to be o.k. With that. I have learned to be o.k. With that. Do I hope that someday someone will come into my life when the time is right and be able to give me that kind of love, you bet I do. We all need love and companionship! But I'm not going to settle, that's what is wrong with the world, we settle. Our hearts are half into relationships cause the other half was left somewhere else! Or we just don't open up to that person the way we should and so we are settling cause of warm arms that are willing to hold us, for probably the same reasons! FEAR! WANTING! SECURITY! Believing that maybe it will turn into something more eventually. We lie to our self’s all the time! Saying we have to just put a little more effort and work into it! And while all relationships take effort and work, you have to be honest with your self at least! Are you settling?
And that's what I have done, I have taken a 2 year journey into my heart, into my emotions, and into the reality of my feelings and how I treat other people! Especially in relationships! And it comes to the fact I don't WANT to settle. I want to feel the connection with someone, like they are just apart of my soul, I want to be able to remember what it feels like when they touch my skin, by memory no matter how many years it has been! Or the way their soul lights up in their eyes, because they are bathing in the love the two of you have.
I don't care if people think it's silly or a pipe dream, or unrealistic. Because my life isn't for anyone else to live just me!
I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, and I don't want to be hurt anymore!
Being honest with yourself and being able to understand your emotions and express them freely for what they are at face value is not a weakness, it's real and it's raw!
I am like everyone else. I miss being held, and I miss kissing so much! And I miss cuddling, and having someone there to tell you it's going to be o.k., someone to make you mad as hell, and then in the next minute make you laugh your ass off! I miss teasing and playful banter! I miss all those things that people get in relationships! I'm human! I miss sex! Some times I think I'm never going to have it ever again! I might not! I might sleep with books or my clothes filling up the empty side of my bed forever!
And it use to be that people saying just go be with this guy or go to that guy would bug me, and I thought that something was wrong with me, because I'm not out there sharing myself every where, waiting for some invisible thing! It didn't take me long to realize that those are their fears they are pushing on me! They can't be alone, but that's not my problem! And if I choose to wait for something that may not ever come back into my life ever again, that's my problem, not anyone else's! It's not like I am not busy as hell doing other things!
And while it's nice that people would like to see me with a good guy cause they think I am a good woman, There is a reason I am single! And when relationships end it always takes two people not just one, and while it's always nice to blame person A, chances are person B has contributed to it! And I am far from Blameless in any of my past relationships! I'm not an easy person to love and equally so I always choose people who are also not easy to love!
Something I hope I have out grown when the time comes to have a relationship!
So thank you for your good intentions, but really my Goddess will bring someone into my life when the time is right, and I can only hope that I'm not too busy and ignore her!
In the mean time, I have a full life, and wonderful people, and I appreciate everyone's love and support and friendship! Please just accept the fact that someone already holds a huge piece of my heart! And I may just be alone for the rest of my life. So please just be there to support me not dictate to me! Not push your fears onto me! Or your opinions! Just love me for who I am, and let me figure out the events in my life, I know half of you find them very amusing! Lol!
Don't crush me! Let grow and let's see where I go! I'm finally understanding this whole adult thing, so let me be one!
Thank you

Monday, July 11, 2011

just some thought to my little mind

Unspeakable truths
All lead to lies
Unseen emotion hidden deep within your eyes
Your fake exterior you think is so tough
Is actually invisible and not so rough.
Washed up and used is how you want me to feel, that seems to be who you are trying to hide deep down inside.
You don't need a book to be smart enough to look at the soul inside, you know the one your trying to hide.
You think you can keep it safe, passing life by.
Pretending to put your self out there even though you know you have already decided the outcome and it is just another way to say goodbye!
The hard part is over you have sabotaged it all, and you did it without actually having to fall!!!

Friday, June 3, 2011

just a poem

Burning, pulsing, hanging in the air.
Wishing, yearning for things that just aren’t there.
Crying , sadness, empty wash me ups.
Settling, changing for someone I just am not.

Looking, searching trying to understand this all.
Unsure, unsteady, knowing I am for sure going to fall.
No time, forever, minutes turn into hours.
Thinking, hoping that it would change into something it won’t.

Passion, thirsting, just for a simple touch.
Painful, aching for the rejection  that is such.
Loving, loving these are two very different things.
Seeing, perception, not being the same.

Knowing, Needing, none of it really being met.