I
just worked 18.5 hours. I'm so tired and I am here awake because I
have to get this off of my mind!
I
love the people close to me, I love my family, friends, and even for
the most part my community.
BUT........
I am sooooooo tired of everyone thinking I am either in a
relationship with someone I defiantly am not, or that I should be in
one!
I
love everyone but really please stop! It's annoying!
I
am far from incapable of taking care of myself and my kids. I have
done it for years! Just because I am hopeful about love doesn't mean
I am weak or a train wreak, or going out there to find it at the bar
every night! Cause none of that is true about me.
I'm
tired of people telling me to settle for a nice guy! I tried that it
didn't work you want to know why? Because if my heart isn't fully in
it... I don't want it! It's not fair to do to another person! I
don't want to be that girl who clings from guy to guy, and has to
have someone with her non stop! I am far too independent for that! I
really believe I have found the person who is my true love, and I
don't get to be with that person, I may never be with that person, so
I would rather just be alone! And I may never have that kind of love
for another person again, and I have to be o.k. With that. I have
learned to be o.k. With that. Do I hope that someday someone will
come into my life when the time is right and be able to give me that
kind of love, you bet I do. We all need love and companionship! But
I'm not going to settle, that's what is wrong with the world, we
settle. Our hearts are half into relationships cause the other half
was left somewhere else! Or we just don't open up to that person the
way we should and so we are settling cause of warm arms that are
willing to hold us, for probably the same reasons! FEAR! WANTING!
SECURITY! Believing that maybe it will turn into something more
eventually. We lie to our self’s all the time! Saying we have to
just put a little more effort and work into it! And while all
relationships take effort and work, you have to be honest with your
self at least! Are you settling?
And
that's what I have done, I have taken a 2 year journey into my heart,
into my emotions, and into the reality of my feelings and how I treat
other people! Especially in relationships! And it comes to the fact I
don't WANT to settle. I want to feel the connection with someone,
like they are just apart of my soul, I want to be able to remember
what it feels like when they touch my skin, by memory no matter how
many years it has been! Or the way their soul lights up in their
eyes, because they are bathing in the love the two of you have.
I
don't care if people think it's silly or a pipe dream, or
unrealistic. Because my life isn't for anyone else to live just me!
I
don't want to hurt anyone anymore, and I don't want to be hurt
anymore!
Being
honest with yourself and being able to understand your emotions and
express them freely for what they are at face value is not a
weakness, it's real and it's raw!
I
am like everyone else. I miss being held, and I miss kissing so much!
And I miss cuddling, and having someone there to tell you it's going
to be o.k., someone to make you mad as hell, and then in the next
minute make you laugh your ass off! I miss teasing and playful
banter! I miss all those things that people get in relationships! I'm
human! I miss sex! Some times I think I'm never going to have it ever
again! I might not! I might sleep with books or my clothes filling up
the empty side of my bed forever!
And
it use to be that people saying just go be with this guy or go to
that guy would bug me, and I thought that something was wrong with
me, because I'm not out there sharing myself every where, waiting for
some invisible thing! It didn't take me long to realize that those
are their fears they are pushing on me! They can't be alone, but
that's not my problem! And if I choose to wait for something that may
not ever come back into my life ever again, that's my problem, not
anyone else's! It's not like I am not busy as hell doing other
things!
And
while it's nice that people would like to see me with a good guy
cause they think I am a good woman, There is a reason I am single!
And when relationships end it always takes two people not just one,
and while it's always nice to blame person A, chances are person B
has contributed to it! And I am far from Blameless in any of my past
relationships! I'm not an easy person to love and equally so I always
choose people who are also not easy to love!
Something
I hope I have out grown when the time comes to have a relationship!
So
thank you for your good intentions, but really my Goddess will bring
someone into my life when the time is right, and I can only hope that
I'm not too busy and ignore her!
In
the mean time, I have a full life, and wonderful people, and I
appreciate everyone's love and support and friendship! Please just
accept the fact that someone already holds a huge piece of my heart!
And I may just be alone for the rest of my life. So please just be
there to support me not dictate to me! Not push your fears onto me!
Or your opinions! Just love me for who I am, and let me figure out
the events in my life, I know half of you find them very amusing!
Lol!
Don't
crush me! Let grow and let's see where I go! I'm finally
understanding this whole adult thing, so let me be one!
Thank
you
Stevie
